In some ways, I dont have a lot of limits. I don’t get naked, I don’t do in person sessions, but I’ll talk about pretty much anything. As long as it’s consensual, as long I’m just using my words, I don’t see the harm.
Years ago, when I was a bit more reckless and gave a lot less fucks, I interacted with a 20 something year old nerd who wore diapers all day. He had one sexual experience with a woman in college who later turned out to be a lesbian. He was a nice guy. Typical scrawny beta male who wouldn’t hurt a fly. But he was obsessed with his former girlfriend. Not so much obsessed with her, but obsessed with the idea of her knowing what became of him after they broke up.
And so, through my encouragement he got in touch with her via email for the first time in several years. It started out slow. Just a simple, “Hello! Long time no see.” sort of message. She was excited to hear from him. They wrote back and forth catching up with each other. He would forward me every email. During our cam sessions he’d tell me how crazy, excited, and nervous it made him. He wanted me to push him further.
So, we decided to work on an email together. This was THE email. The one that would expose him entirely. His writing was articulate, polite, and curious. But it always ended with him in horny-mode, telling her all about his fetish and thanking her for dumping him all these years so he could be a sissy degenerate in diapers.
This went on for months. The sessions were long and tedious. He’d tweak the email in small pointless ways. Stretching out the anticipation of it all for as long as he could. Until finally, with my encouragement he sent it.
I didn’t think much of it at the time. By this point, I was just relieved to finally get it over with so he’d stop obsessing and we could talk about something else.
The following week she wrote back, and I realized what we did was really, really shitty.
“Wow. Behind all the jib, you and I had a friendship that I valued. I looked forward for the last two weeks for this email. Only to find you trying to scare and pigeon hole me. Certainly, you recognize that this email is incredibly abusive, disrespects and repulse me. What was your Daddy is trying to teach you? That women are to be hated? Would you prefer I list profanities at you, displaying my anger to further humiliate you?
Gay, lesbian, sissy lips? Really, who fucking cares. I believe in a sexual ethics. Non coercive, to treats people as ends not means. I believe in this email you treated me as a means. This is an instrument of hurt.
Please do not contact me again.”
After reading this email, I snapped back to reality. She was absolutely right.
We aren’t bad people. We didn’t intend to hurt her. But we were using her as a means to an end without any thought to how that might make her feel. We groomed and misled her. It was a stupid, shitty thing to do, and I accept responsibility in my part in it.
Imagine what it must feel like for her to hear from an old friend. To (naturally) think he was sitting around reminiscing fondly and wanted to reach out and catch up. Imagine assuming this for months, as she dedicated time to write to him every week or so.
Then imagine that sinking feeling she must have experienced when she realized his motives were something else entirely. How much more angry and disgusted would she have felt if she knew another woman was not only in on it all, but getting paid to do so?
Yes, some violations are worse than others. I’d certainly rate this one the low end. She’s a grown woman and I doubt she was traumatized by an email. But that doesn’t matter. She didn’t ask for it. It was creepy and wrong.
My point is this: when you target specific women to surprise with your exposure; you’re not humiliating yourself, you’re humiliating them.
You may think that making yourself vulnerable to women gives them the power. But there’s a reason flashers get arrested. Exposing your dick isn’t a hilarious surprise, it makes women feel tricked. It’s a violation.
You may think that as a sub, as someone who gets off on humiliation, you’re better than those alpha assholes who objectify women on the streets, because you’re putting women above you. Wrong. You are objectifying them just as much. You’re treating them as one-dimensional laughing-domme puppets. You’re not thinking for a moment what that woman has gone through. Maybe she has a history of sexual abuse, maybe she was molested as a kid, maybe her dad used to rape her, maybe she’s been stalked. Or maybe she trusts men entirely and you’re the first one to shatter that trust.
Knock it off.
I bring this up because recently I’ve been receiving phone calls from a guy with a fetish for public exposure. When I suggested tweeting an embarrassing photo, he wasnt interested. Instead, he wanted me to encourage him to go out in public flash random women. When I told him that was harassment, he tried to “compromise” by suggesting I take his dick pic, find some random women and ask them if they wanted to see “the smallest wee wee in the world.”
It should go without saying, but no group of women are going to laugh if I ask them that (unless its a nervous laugh.) They’re going to look at me like I’m insane. If I actually follow through and show them a picture, they’ll be disgusted. If they later come to realize that they were used as props for some stranger to act out a sexual fantasy, they’re going to feel used. Like fools. They’re going to feel violated and angry, and rightfully so.
It doesn’t take much for women to hate men. Most men are fine, many are wonderful, but most women have had at least a couple really shitty situations with men that can make the rest of them look bad. When I first hit puberty at the age of 12, I experienced enough sexual harassment on the streets that pretty soon I was scowling and flipping off any man who so much as smiled at me.
This is why some women overreact when men, say, conduct grand romantic gestures like play they piano non-stop to win their ex back. He’s not merely pathetic and delusional, he’s synonymous with misogynistic mass murders. I don’t agree with this interpretation, but I understand emotions that led them there.
Despite what you might think, I have sympathy for you guys. I do. I believe you don’t choose what you like. If I can be blind sighted by money and violate a woman in this way, surely you can be blind sighted by your dick. But that doesn’t excuse it. Rarely do I think anyone should be ashamed for their sexual kinks, but in this case I do.
If you have a fetish for exposing yourself to strangers, you need to curb it. Find other ways. Pay me to post your image on my twitter page (over 50k followers!), buy a custom exposure clips, or pay me to show you off to my other domme friends who know the drill.
Do not involve women who are uninformed and did not agree to participate.
And ladies, if a sub asks you to help him expose himself to his ex-girlfriend, his friend’s sister, an old college friend, or that barista he’s been friendly with, just say no.
Aside from the obvious … that non-consensually involving others in your fetish is wrong … I am most taken by the willingness of Ceara to not only recognize, but discuss, the mistakes she made in this episode. As she points out, she did more than just help ‘groom and mislead’ the victim. She encouraged it. And the consequences, though unforeseen and unintended, were very real. And so I’m heartened to see Ceara not only admit her mistake, but make the necessary course corrections to preclude the error from recurring. The willingness to recognize your mistakes … and adjust your craft accordingly … is what separates the serious professional from the apprentice or amateur. This blog just reinforces my opinion that Ceara is a pro’s pro.
Well said! But humility, introspection and learning from one’s mistakes are not (merely) characteristics of a real pro but of a real human being, right?
Good entry. I’ve never felt comfortable when I’ve seen domes and subs try to involve the sub’s wife/gf without said partner’s knowledge of what is going on. I’m also not a fan of public humiliation, just because it involves people who didn’t ask to be part of this.
If we hold some people of power to a certain standard and view particular activities as harassment, then Findom resides in a similar category if you truly examine it. It’s another form of harrasment, despite the perceived consensuality of it.
Findom can be exploitative, sure. But how is it harassment?
I’m looking for the reply to this excellent question… I first learned of your existence by randomly clicking on the mystery box video! LOVED IT!!! You ARE a genius! I wish you increasingly absurd success 🙂 your an and I’m a recovering sex addict, otherwise I would be sending you ALL my $ 😉 love your blog!
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It is nice to see some actual introspecting going on here rather than the type of introspection that arrives at the startling conclusion that you were right the whole time and did no wrong. However, i still think consent is far to thin a wedge with which to catergorise the goodness of our actions.
This was an awesome blog post! As a gay man I’ve come across lots of this type of thing in the LGBT community, as well, and over time come to the same conclusions you wrote about. And the example you gave is spot on. Thanks for posting this!