We don’t choose what we like.

Last week I received this email from a guy, we’ll call him Phil.

I’m so desperately horny and my head is all mushy. What would you ask for cam ASAP? I’ll pay it. My dick is hard and my wallet is open.

Phil has contacted me here and there for a few years now. He likes to eat his own cum and masturbate in ridiculous ways. He once sent me a video of himself fucking a jelly donut and another in which he lit a birthday candle in his urethra and let the wax drip down the shaft. Great guy. On this day Phil was requesting a 20-minute humiliating blackmail session involving TeamViewer (a program where I can access his desktop via my computer.) I hate TeamViewer and was not actively camming when I got his email, which meant if I decided to indulge him I’d have to stop what I was doing, put on make up, dress sexy and get in the mood. So, I charged him accordingly: $500. He promptly paid.

The moment I turned on my cam he offered his TeamViewer login credentials without hesitation or coaxing. I logged in and opened up his desktop. The first thing I saw was an open browser containing several tabs; each containing a different woman’s instagram page. He told me one was his ex girlfriend, another was a hot chick he knew in college, and the other was a friend he liked.

My mission was clear: to facilitate his orgasm by fabricating the thrilling scenario of being exposed to these women for the semen-slurping pastry fucker that he is. I made fun of him for giving up this information so easily, mocked his inadequacies and pretended as though I was drafting up an email to send to each of them right there, spilling every dirty secret I had against him.

In reality, I have no interest in contacting these women. They didn’t agree to participate in his jerk-off games and to drag them into it would be a violation. Furthermore, I know that the moment Phil cums the last thing he’ll want is exactly what he’s begging and paying me to do now. That’s the irony of so many sexual fantasies: that in which we fear or disgusts us the most is exactly what sets shooting into sexual climax. But unlike most fantasies, Phil’s desires potentially have real life consequences beyond the simple shame of sexual deviance. So my job is twofold: to make him believe I am going to ruin him without actually doing it. The sense of “realness” is essential.

Midway through the session Phil loses his erection and sighs in distress. He tells me he doesn’t really want me to expose him and that it’s just a fantasy.

Of course I know that. But these fantasies are tricky, especially when the client gives you real ammunition. I’m forced to juggle with two polarizing emotions and it’s not always predictable which one will come up and at what time. I tried splitting the difference as best I could: assuring him that I haven’t done anything, but in a mocking way that lets him know I think he’s a giant pussy and probably gay for losing his erection around me. He then tries to change the subject in an abrupt, random sort of way by talking about podcasts and how I look like Aubrey Plaza. I guess in attempt to take his mind off the situation, I don’t know. Eventually his time runs up and I turn the cam off.

A few minutes later he messages me again and offers $100 to “finish up.” I accept, he pays, and I turn on the cam again. By this time he’s managed to get himself hard again, but the cycle continues: I play the part he wants, but he quickly loses his erection out of nervousness, admits defeat and the cam time runs up before he can get himself off. All in all $600 well spent.

I attract a certain amount of criticism for accepting money from guys like Phil. I get accused of taking advantage of men despite the fact that I’m (ironically) a rather passive domme who doesn’t actively seek out or coerce anyone into doing anything. If you don’t want to give me money for any reason, I genuinely do not care: there are more than enough men who do. But I can’t deny that clearly some guys do struggle with their desires and have difficulty controlling them. Phil is probably one of those guys. Is it immoral of me to do business with him? If so, what course of action am I suppose to take to distinguish between customers who are genuinely going “too far” (as oppose to just the fantasy of going “too far”) and those who are grown men who can make their own decisions about what to do with their money and penis.

We don’t choose what we like. Whether it’s the gender we’re attracted to or the fetishes we acquire; our minds make it up without consulting us and without our permission. A great book that drives this point home is Perv by Jesse Bering. I highly recommend it. His thesis is that we shouldn’t be concerned as to whether our sexual proclivities are normal or natural and focus on whether or not they are actually harmful.

I don’t think fantasies are intrinsically harmful, including ones about being blackmailed and humiliated by women. Most of my customers do just fine buying videos centered around those fetishes and then going about their unaffected lives. Very few actually risk messing up their relationships with others, dabbling in sex-offender type (flasher) behavior, or spending beyond their means.What exactly separates these two types of customers is not clear to me, but I have my speculations:

Phil is fairly young and I suspect like with many of my younger (& more confused) clients, he thinks he has to get rid of his fetish to get rid of the harm that potentially accompanies it. But no amount of fighting, denying or ignoring it will make it go away. Like putting a lid on a boiling pot, it’ll eventually spill over and you’ll lose control of its contents. The best course of action is to take the lid off and attend to it periodically. Meaning, if you stop policing your thoughts and jerk off to them when you want to, you’re less likely to lose control over them.

Letting an attractive woman ruin your life in multiple ways is a great fantasy that I highly approve of. The best part is you need not make it a reality to enjoy it. Thoughts are just thoughts; it’s how we act on them that matters.


11 thoughts on “We don’t choose what we like.

  1. Denied Boy (@DeniedBoy)

    Thank you Goddess for this post. I read it carefully. As you said “Thoughts are just thoughts” and people need to separate thoughts and actions, because each of them has its own joy.

    thank you again.

  2. Rory

    “Semen slurping pastry-fucker”

    10/10. That’s fantastic writing. 😀

    You must giggle to yourself sometimes, right?

  3. John Murphy

    Very interesting blog. I am a 22 year old man. And I kind of can’t help but feel guilty or weird for having my fetishes. I can’t say I’m into blackmail type stuff because I do find it to risky but I do see the appeal especially when in an aroused state. I think something about risk taking has an inherent sexual appeal to it and I believe this is what draws people to blackmail or exhibitionism fetishes. But there are fetishes I couldn’t even imagine myself considering a couple of years ago that I now find myself incredibly drawn to. I initially liked the idea of encouraging JOI videos. But to my frustration most JOI videos were humiliation based. But once I tried a few and stopped judging myself as much, I grew enjoy humiliation. This eventually led me to CEI and CBT instruction videos which again I disliked idea of first but then got swept into once I pushed the boundary. And as you mention arousal is an incredibly powerful factor for example I thought I’d never do anything with regard to anal instructions but I did it as part of a CEI clip of yours I bought. It is a strange feeling when you do something you never thought you’d do for the first time. But anything that involves risk-taking giving up power and being uncharacteristic has a certain appeal to it. I am someone who in everyday would not put up with insults or an attempt to humiliate me from anybody, but if I’m horny I can get off on these insults. The Jesse Bering thesis you mention is very important being able to judge whether or not your sexual proclivities are harmful can be the difference between a fun pastime and an unhealthy habit. As to people criticizing you for taking money from those who have particularly poor impulse control I think that is unfair on you. I do think it is unfortunate that people like Phil can get an addiction and perhaps go to far. But it’s not your moral responsibility that this happens. Moderation is key in all aspects of life. You sell sexually arousing material which can become an addiction when in the wrong hands. An analogy to draw would be someone who works at the jack daniels factory some people can enjoy the product this person creates responsibly but unfortunately others cannot. Some people take it too far and it is sad to see but the fact that it happens isn’t your fault. I suppose if it is a case where you think the person is going way too far altogether you could express your concern to them in a message or ask if they sure they want to continue. But this is problematic because being visibly concerned is bad for business for you as these guys are attracted to your ruthlessness in these scenarios. I’m not sure what the answer to this problem is or whether or not there is one. It may just be a downside to the business you are in as there are downsides to all jobs no matter what it is you do.

  4. Billy

    Excellent article Ms Ceara; I’m in complete agreement with You.

    Thank You for being able to assist guys live out their fantasies with You.

    Keep up the great job You’re doing.

  5. hendrix

    Great great blog like usually!!!
    for me,
    my Fantasie is to be be treated and considered like a loser and which is strange for me is that many descriptions of loser in your videos describe me. ( i’m poor, alone, leave with my parents, i never go out, i have a small cock, -not so small but not big and when its not big it’s small..-i pay clip of girl who humilate and laught at me for buy it, i jerk in front of my computer all the time, i’m the shy “nice guy” the girls don’t see and i get laid only two time in my life with premature ejaculation.. )
    So it’s a fantasy who is also real because a lot of girl actually really think that the men like me are loser.
    therefore the mixture of reality and fantasy are very difficult to manage and assume and my addiction with you ( i I agree that it is miself who decided to be addict) is even more deep since as many girl you really think (unless I’m mistaken)a man like me is stupid and a loser.

    finally, I completely agree with everything you say ( and for criticisms, it’s really true, you are really passive domme, you don’t ask anything, we must beg to have your attention) and i really think you are the most beautiful girl in the world!!! with natalie portman 😉

    ps: sorry for my english but it’s not my language

  6. Yang Yin

    Great post! Thanks. Very insightful and to understand from your pov. I would love to read more of your thoughts and ‘speculations’ in regard to this you wrote:

    “I don’t think fantasies are intrinsically harmful, including ones about being blackmailed and humiliated by women. Most of my customers do just fine buying videos centered around those fetishes and then going about their unaffected lives. Very few actually risk messing up their relationships with others, dabbling in sex-offender type (flasher) behavior, or spending beyond their means.What exactly separates these two types of customers is not clear to me, but I have my speculations:”

  7. Anthroponym

    I have learned more about my own fetishes from you in the last two years then I did on my own in the last 25 years Before I found you You are a master of your trade and truly have a Beautiful mind
    In my experience the people who take there fetishes to far are just lazy people I really think it might be that simple They are to lazy to deal with the stresses in life and expect someone to think for them They assume a women would want to have someone do everything for them all the time With out trying to put themselves in your shoes are your mindset at all

  8. Irbs

    Thank You for this blog Ceara. What You wrote certainly spoke to me. Unfortunately I blurred the line between fantasy and reality with regard blackmail, not through an online experience with anyone like You, but in real life offering a little too much information to a Woman i had paid money in the past to dominate me. And the reality of losing that control that I had always fantasised of losing is very frightening!

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