This is in response to: http://womenrule6699.livejournal.com/288924.html
So, you want to do something about producer’s ability to recognize a market, hire people to make a product and then sell it at whatever price they want? That’s fighting capitalism.
You want to change a man’s tendency to favor attractive women over less attractive women? That’s fighting the power of beauty.
You insist on us all acting in a loving sisterhood that supports one another despite what enormously stupid and aggravating women might be a part of it said sisterhood? That’s fighting human nature.
I’m not saying any of those are unworthy battles to take on. Really, I’m not totally convinced capitalism is the best system in the world, but it’s certainly working for me. If given the choice, I’d like the world to be on a more even playing field in terms of looks and diminish this unhealthy obsession we all have with beauty, but I also happen to be beautiful as well as profit from the beauty of others, so I guess that’s working for me too. Finally, it would be nice if we all had a basic level of respect for one another and didn’t lash out aggressively for no reason, but then again, I’ve learned to enjoy that kind of drama. So I suppose I have that working for me too.
This, I argue, is the true definition of dominance; recognizing the things you cannot change and manipulating what you can to make it work for you. I believe this is the truest form of control anyone could have.
On another note, I think I may be suffering from some kind of spontaneous amnesia. I’ve been a humiliatrix since 2006, which is long enough to have experienced the “golden age” of online domming as described by my fellow peers. They speak of an abundance of good, loyal, respectful slaves like native Americans talk about the many moons ago when salmon in the rivers were so plentiful you could walk across the water on their backs. What a glorious and majestic time this was, right? Uh right.
There has always been asshole subs. Always. Before online domming, before the internet, probably even before the term BDSM was invented. “Wanker” was one of the first niche-specific words I learned. Lyne once told me, before I started my website and long before anyone started a clip store, that she was getting burnt out of all these rude assholes and wasting her time. Why do people suddenly think this is a new phenomenon caused by anything other than the personal responsibility of the sub themselves?
My first year testing the waters of online domming I wondered what I was doing wrong. I was making pretty good money, but nowhere near what some other Dommes posted about. I realized after a while that I just didn’t understand all the sneaky little games subs would pull on me to waste my time. Domming 101 is a lot of trial and error learning about all the many ways subs will try and fuck with you. If you’re observant enough, these strategies become unbelievably predictable and there aren’t very many of them.
So what about this ongoing rumor that points fingers at various sources claiming them responsible for the change in this scene? My request? Prove it. Seriously, who has a single ounce of credible evidence that shows a direct cause and effect link to someone or something to this supposed change? As someone who was "there" and should just "know" what you’re talking about, I simply do not see it. So unless you’ve done a scientific study, which accounts for all extraneous variables, you’re just pulling ideas out of your ass. Correlation is not causation. Our minds are wired to draw conclusions based on the quickest, most obviously apparent explanation. It does this for convenience, not accuracy.
“Why is it that women who are supposed to be in control are getting into internet fist-fights over things like BOYS, who is real and who isn’t, and various other reasons?”
Not everyone is going to get along all of the time. When I first started on livejournal Angel and I got into a pretty big tiff. A sub I had been chatting with sent me a video of himself dancing around like a sissy. I posted on my blog and out of no where, this domme I’d never heard of started attacking me since apparently it was her video she recorded of him on cam. Much to the excitement of our audience, we had a lovely eye gouging, hair pulling cat fight which eventually ended when the dust settled and we saw that both of us were still standing. Neither of us were going to take each others bullshit and that created a mutual respect. We’ve been cool ever sense.
Is this scene catty? Rude? Insecure at times? Yes absolutely. But guess what? Were all adults. Not only that, were supposedly dominant women. If you can’t handle the inevitable drama and flame war that comes with any loosely controlled community on the internet, I’d argue you’re not quite the dominant or capable person you think you are. I identify fully as a feminist, but not to the feminist stereotype. I don’t believe in an unconditionally loving sisterhood. I will respect a woman as a woman, but that doesn’t mean I have to like her. That doesn’t mean she’s exempt from every ignorant notion that comes out of her mouth. And it certainly doesn’t mean she doesn’t have to sink or swim like the rest of us in this industry.
All that said, I want share with you my personal relationship with this scene. I look at it in 3 different ways; as a lifestyle, as an interest, and as a business. Personally my relationship to it falls into the latter two. It is an interest to me because bizarre fetishes and sexuality in general have always fascinated me. It is a business to me in the sense that I saw an opportunity on the table and seized it. I saw a demand and created the supply. It is not a lifestyle to me, however, as I don’t really think I’m a princess, goddess, or do I think all men should immediately bow to my feet. To be honest, I think that’s freakin loony outside of the fetish context. Which again comes back to why it is simply an interest to me: I like crazy shit.
Here’s what I think more people need to understand: the fetish scene is huge, the lifestyle is not. Most men care about women meeting some vague, subjective standard of what makes a “real domme” about as much as they care about whether your new gucci bag is authentic. All they really want to know is if you can act convincingly dominant for the 5-10 minutes it takes to scratch their itch and then go about their day. If you truly believe these models are taking all the good subs, turning them into spoiled brats and interfering with your opportunity to establish and explore real D/s relationships, here’s my advice to you:
Don’t charge for it.
That’s it. Voila. I guarantee you the moment you start exploring your true and passionate identity without charging for it, a plethora of submissive men will be begging at your doorstep (some assholes, some not.) Women are really lucky in the sense that there are far less of us who truly embrace the kink scene for what it is. For every kinky girl, there are 100 kinky guys competing to play. We have our pick of the litter. But guess what? It doesn’t entitle you to money as well. You’re going to actually have to work for that. And yes, even pay attention to what men want. But that’s okay, because you’re interested in true submissives anyway, not these pesky fetishists. Right?
“Great, we surely welcome them to explore this side of themselves and really learn how it feels to be the woman in charge. What percentage of models being hired is truly dominant though?”
I don’t know. What percentage of women who stumble across this community are truly dominant? Why does one deserve more acceptance than the other? If we can’t collectively agree on what makes someone “truly dominant” how are we suppose to agree on who possesses such a trait?
I’ll tell you what I think would be true female dominance in this scene: if women worked in this industry beyond their own shortsighted single-domme studios. This is why Monique and I created Team Tease. We know that us as individuals only have so much longevity in front of the camera, so we’re setting ourselves up to work behind it. And why not? Why leave that opportunity on the table for another man to inevitably pick up himself, as oppose to taking the opportunity create a female positive environment that future models can feel comfortable working in? There is not enough of that in the domme scene, the sex industry, the modeling industry, or in the world in general, in my opinion.
Which is why I think it’s kind of sad how desperately some of us cling to the nostalgia of “our little world” where women supposedly controlled everything. We don’t have to make up virtual worlds, I propose making a difference in the real world. Find a male dominated industry you’re interested in and penetrate it with your big fat figurative strap on. Show that it’s possible and pave the way for other women until we can loosen our grip on the philosophy behind this shaky virtual world most people have never heard of or care about.
Why are there sites like MDS run by a man? Why does a man control the Domme Scene blog and has a tendency to embraceone Domme over another? Because a man decided he wanted to do it, and did. And you can too. Really, it isn’t that hard. Just DO it. Be the change you want to see, and I promise you, it will have a far bigger impact than just bitching about the change you want to see.
Happy thanksgiving everyone.