Tag Archives: vibrators

Come again?

When I was 15 years old I walked behind a beaded curtain to the toy section of an adult store in downtown Portland, Oregon and bought my first vibrator. I didn’t get into a lot of trouble as a kid, so this felt rather bold and risky to me at the time. I was petrified I’d suffer some kind of humiliation if the clerk asked for my ID and recognize me for the salacious minor that I was. Instead, he glanced up at me for only a moment and then back down at his book.

I masturbated a lot but I wasn’t sure if I had ever cum before. I really wanted to try a vibrator. I had done my research online and picked out a toy that was both highly reviewed and within my $20-30 dollar budget. A pink pocket rocket.


I spotted it immediately. Still scared, I took it off the shelf like some smutty porn parody version of (panty?) Raider’s of the Lost Ark; praying I could touch it and get out of there without the whole building collapsing around me.


I took it off the shelf cautiously. Then, while holding my breath, I carefully approached the cashier like walking a tight rope. I handed it to him. He fished it out of he box and put batteries inside.

“Gotta make sure this isn’t a defective one. Ever since they just started exploding inside women we’ve had to test them.”

I stood there completely still. Wide eyed. Processing. I knew these were words but the meaning escaped me. I didn’t know how to respond.

“Ah I’m just fuckin’ with ya.” he grinned.

Oh yes. A joke. “YES. HA! HA! HA!” I skillfully laughed like a grown-ass woman who does taxes and drives a car. He turned on the mini massagar and watched it dance around the counter for a moment or two before nodding in approval and selling it to me. I walked out feeling victorious. A noble young sex warrior.



A few months later I had my first unambiguous orgasm on the carpet of my bedroom floor in front of a mirror. I don’t know why, but for the first few years of my orgasmic life I masturbated in front of mirrors. It felt hot and really egotistical at the same time. I also masturbated a lot. I loved vibrators and became obsessed with buying different kinds, eventually committing to a hitachi magic wand. Ole faithful.


The boys I dated hated them. They felt threatened and wanted nothing to do with them in our sex life. One ex didn’t like that I masturbated at all, taking it as some kind of personal attack on his ability to satisfy me. After I took his virginity, he dramatically erased his entire porn stash, as he didn’t “need” it anymore. I think he always resented that I never displayed a similar testament.

I give them a pass. They were teenage boys, after all. But it did leave it’s impression on me. I never gave up vibrators, but it did take me well into my adult life to feel okay with bringing them back into coupled sex with without feeling like I was stepping into the field of land mines that was male fragility.


3 years later, I became a porn store clerk myself. I worked the morning shift of 24hr establishment, which meant it was slow as fuck. When there were no customers and nothing to do, I picked out a my favorite toy from the shelf, went to the bathroom, unwrapped and used it on myself. When I was done, I’d wash it thoroughly with toy cleaner, put it back in the box and returned it to the sales shelf.. It’d take all of 10 minutes. I contemplated buying the toy for myself at first, but soon realized it was better to have one available at work.

I remember the day a customer came in and bought it for themselves. It was a little sad. “Farewell, sweet prince.” I whispered as it walked out the greasy door.

These days since I work from home, I can masturbate whenever I want. Occasionally I try to reign it in. It makes me a little more interested in my actual sex life if I’m not constantly practicing my mini DJ set.  But when left to my own devices, I will get myself off up to 5-6x a day, and that’s not because I’m some insatiable trollop. When I really started paying attention to why I like to cum so much, I realized I often did it to help me sleep, to relieve stress, and to temporarily avoid my responsibilities. AKA:



In less than I week I will be leaving the country to travel for another couple months throughout Australia. As a result, I have been shooting videos like crazy so I’ll still have a steady stream of new content being released while I’m away. After burning through my list of customs, coming up with my own ideas has been a little mind numbing.

Earlier this month as I was walking around my neighborhood, a somewhat unique idea popped into my mind: I could shoot a video of me masturbating from the neck up.

I say “somewhat” unique, because I didn’t come up with this idea myself (there’s an entire website, beautifulagony.com, dedicated to this very concept) but it’s something I haven’t done before. Perhaps a little vanilla, but also fits within the “tease and denial” category. So, I wrote it down on my “to shoot” list.

So, get this. No lie a week later I received this email from a regular (Randy):



I’ve never received this request before, nor has any femdom POV producer shot anything like this (to my knowledge) This was just pure coincidence that this idea occurred to us around the same time.

I charged him $300. He has no idea that I was planning on making this video anyway. I can only imagine the jolt that’ll run through his cock when he reads this and finds out. (I’m laughing at you, Randy ^_^)

I filmed the clip after shooting 4 others. It was late in the evening, I was tired and ready to be done. The perfect clip to “finish off” with. I started off by showing what toys and fingers I’d be using, then cut to me lying on my beige tuft couch getting myself from beginning escalation, crescendo, and descent. It was satisfying, intimate and beautiful.

Randy emailed me again a few days later to say that he couldn’t explain why, but that he no longer wanted the clip (he didn’t ask for a refund.) A week later he admitted he was worried it would tarnish some kind of “professional” relationship he was hoping to someday establish with me (haha) but that he changed his mind and wanted to clip again.

This time, however, he was concerned I’d be faking it in the video.

I do a lot of pretending in my line of work, but I don’t think faking orgasms does anyone any favors. With exception to my “Phone Sex” video, I’ve never faked an orgasm and I don’t intend to start. I told Randy he could still have the clip, but that now he’d have to wait until it was released on clips4sale and buy it all over again. He said he felt as giddy as a fan girl.

Anyway, the clip was posted today. Enjoy.